Sex is a powerful act that engages the human being at the physical, energetic, and psychic levels. As the primal foundation of all human life, our species should, on the whole, understand it far better than we actually do. Our ancestors had numerous rituals and rites of passage to teach young people who were coming of age their cultural beliefs and social norms around sex, many of which were pleasure centred and focused on ensuring and maximising the boundless capacity for female pleasure, as well as enhancing and sustaining that of males.*
However, sex today is deeply confused and confusing, both everywhere and nowhere as once: it is used to sell every product on the market, with pornography freely available at the touch of a button on a screen – yet honest information and dialogue about sex remains noticeably absent from public discourse. Contemporary sexual norms are dangerous and must be challenged and unlearned systematically at the level of culture. Some pertinent examples: the notion that only young bodies are sexy, that sex primarily serves men’s pleasure and that women do not have the same intensity of desire, the sanctioned sexual objectification, whorephobia, harassment, assault and rape of women and femmes, and that heteronormative, monogamous, cis-centric gender binary are natural or inevitable. These are just a few of the many misconceptions around sex that shape contemporary understandings, and from which we must fight to break free as a collective in order to liberate our sexuality.
For centuries, sex has been weighed down with moralistic religious ideals, much of which are rooted in the twisted combination of patriarchy, misogyny, capitalism, and white supremacy that has underpinned notions of marriage since medieval times. While marriage supposedly protected women from raising children without providers, the ancient knowledge that allowed females to understand their menstrual cycles and to use herbs to prevent unwanted births was systematically suppressed when the practices of traditional women healers were attacked: for example, during the witch hunts that emerged with the dawn of capitalism and are ongoing today (1), and the gradual transition from the predominance of midwifery to the medicalisation of pregnancy and childbirth (2).
Modern intersectional mystics clearly recognise the old associations between sex and shame as imperialist worldviews from which we must decolonise ourselves. Humans are no more naturally sexually monogamous than our closest animal relatives, chimpanzees and bonobos, the latter using sexual activity as a basic social communication: in greeting, farewell, apology and just for fun. Modern mystics tend to agree with hippies that ‘sex is nice and pleasure is good for you.’ (3) However, as humans, we attach meanings to sex and its consequences that make it much more complicated for us than for our primate cousins. This complexity requires us to reflect deeply on arrangements that align with our authentic selves, negotiating and communicating openly with intimate partners about meanings and boundaries around sexual activity.
Some of us are more inclined towards monogamy, sexual and/or emotional, while others tend towards non-monogamy. Both are valid choices, though we lack sufficient models for successful, fulfilling non-monogamous relationships. Non-normative approaches to sexual liberation can be negotiated ethically, with emotional awareness, conscience, and heart. Asexuality, or absence of sexual interest or desire, is also normal, as is aromanticism – no interest in romantic partnerships. These may arise in tandem or separately. While these and other non-traditional paths of relating to oneself and others may present novel emotional and practical challenges, they often catalyse profound growth and inner wisdom.
Sex can be a solo act – masturbation, at the right place and time, enables healthy self-discovery through pleasurable experience, finding out what feels good to us. We can share it with a partner or partners if we wish. Partnered sex, whether committed, casual, or in between, involves energetic exchange that deserves acknowledgment. Communication is essential to this process, both to ensure enthusiastic consent throughout and enhance mutual pleasure. Learning to communicate during sex can be awkward and challenging, but incredibly rewarding. Like the best conversations, it begins by listening. By paying attention to your lover’s breathing, you can find out what they like. Gentle exploration, paying attention to sudden breaths, moans, or murmurs, provides guidance. This is a clue that your touch feels good, and to continue. Gradually, you could try a bit more pressure, or an increase in speed. This rhythm of building intensity, pulling back, and beginning again heightens pleasure and desire, potentially leading to multiple orgasms – although being too focused on an end goal may be limiting in other ways. Neither orgasms nor penetration are essential to good sex – that said, women and femmes should not feel obliged to fake anything, nor should they settle with being unsatisfied. Practice verbal communication during intimacy, expressing what is wanted, what feels good, what can be done a bit differently, and confirming mutual enjoyment.
Sex and relationship expert Esther Perel notes that while human desire is obviously physical, it is also psychological, arising from our essential sense of separateness (4). Thus, partners in constant proximity may find it challenging to keep the flames of desire kindled. She advocates maintaining individuality, with each partner having hobbies, friendship circles, tastes and interests of their own. It is this independence, she argues, which then can become the source of the longing that fuels a healthy, full-bodied, and full-spirited sexual connection.
* Here I am referring specifically to female and male biology, rather than gender; apply as necessary for people of various genders.
References
(1) Federici, S. (2004). Caliban and the Witch: Women, the Body and Primitive Accumulation. Autonomedia. / Federici, S. (2018). Witches, Witch Hunting, and Women. PM Press.
(2) Davison, C. (2020) Feminism, midwifery and the medicalisation of birth. https://www.britishjournalofmidwifery.com/content/birthwrite/feminism-midwifery-and-the-medicalisation-of-birth/
(3) Easton, D. and Hardy, J. (2017) The Ethical Slut. 3rd Revised Edition. Ten Speed Press.
(4) Perel, E. (2007) Mating in Captivity. London: Hodder & Stoughton