9. Emotional Work - Emotional Relationality
How our emotions influence, and are influenced by, others
Emotions do not always arise within us independently. Because we are relational beings, shaped by and shapers of our communities and societies, our emotions are relational as well. We must therefore be aware of the way our emotions influence, and are influenced by, others.
Three common ways in which this often happens are through direct interaction, mirroring, and projection. Direct interactions are the most obvious – whether positive or negative, the presence or actions of one person can induce reactive emotions and behaviours in another. Taking the canine world as a simple example, when an aggressive dog growls, barks, or otherwise displays dominance over another; the submissive dog whimpers, hangs its head, pulls its tail between its legs, and lowers itself to the ground. But these are non-rational, non-discursive, meaning-neutral beings. For humans, the quasi-rational, overdiscursive, meaning-making animal, this is hugely more complex than in the rest of the animal world.
We are both subject to, and instigators of, a range of offenses: insults, oversights, blame, exclusion, aggression, and dehumanization, across macro and micro, physical, verbal, structural and cultural domains. These are likely to cause embarrassment, self-doubt, mistrust, and feelings of worthlessness and shame, within us and in others, especially when built up through repeated treatment over time. This happens on small scales as well as large, for entire groups of people throughout history have been treated in these violent ways, resulting in complex patterns of systemic and internalised oppression and privilege, and protracted intergenerational trauma. Whether your ancestors were colonisers or colonised, or a mix of both, you carry within you not only the heaviness of this lifetime, but their stories as well – while this outsize burden may seem too much for one person to bear, know that your healing process serves your entire lineage; as such, it is a gift you give not only to yourself but to all of them. Be aware that you may need the support of qualified therapeutic practitioners to assist you in this process, as we cannot be expected to go it alone.
Our base emotions emerge from complex neural networks involving multiple brain regions, including the limbic system, amygdala, and prefrontal cortex. These interconnected systems process our emotional responses based on perceived needs, environmental cues, and social conditioning. The amygdala plays a crucial role in threat detection and fear responses, while the prefrontal cortex processes emotional regulation and higher-order emotional reasoning. Yet emotions are not only physical – they are also structural. Dynamic positionality in multiple social hierarchies affects our emotional response patterns, conditioned as we are by age, gender, race, class, and other social structures to be typically dominant or submissive, directive or co-operative, conflict seeking or conflict avoidant, although these can change dependent on context and situation.
However, in the moment of their arising, emotions tend to reflect neurobiological needs and expectations. For example, when we perceive our needs are not met, various triggers of specific neural pathways can generate intense emotional responses like anger, jealousy, or passive-aggression. These responses are particularly nuanced in humans, who have developed complex social and emotional intelligence beyond basic survival instincts. Aggression includes, but is not limited to, attempts to control, violent words or actions, outright attacks, blaming, shaming or ostracising; passive-aggression includes, but is not limited to, angry sarcasm, sulking, silent treatment, slamming doors or withdrawing communication and/or affection. These behaviours are meant to punish others while drawing attention and alerting others to the aggressor’s unhappiness. However, although they may themselves be trauma responses to previous experiences of violence and threat, such behaviours fall into the category of emotional manipulation and abuse. Since they damage our relationship to ourselves and to others, they are not only externally harmful but also self-destructive.
To heal, we must learn to recognise these and similar behaviours, genuinely apologise for the ways we have acted out, spend the time and energy it takes to identify and articulate our needs, then either learn to meet them ourselves or calmly communicate and negotiate with those around us to try to have them met. This is what shame and vulnerability researcher and author Brené Brown identifies as Wholeheartedness, or the ability to meet life’s stressors with a considered vulnerability – addressing and moving beyond internal and relational discord not by armouring up, but by opening up – with the support of those with whom we are genuinely safe enough to do so. We must practice being neither aggressor (Brown uses the term Viking) nor victim, but strive to engage those around us with authenticity and compassion, or, if we cannot, leave them be. While this process may be complicated by ongoing relationships of dependency, gradual change can be sought over time, with support. By developing these skills first at the internal, then interpersonal levels, we open possibilities for wider healing and social change.
A second way our emotions can be stimulated by others is through mirroring, where we mimic the emotions of others. We learn this from our first families and/or those who surrounded us when we were children, and learned to decipher emotions (or not) through watching our elders. Mirroring may occur in small interpersonal interactions – anger often provokes further anger; laughter is contagious – or in large crowds, such as the euphoria you might feel at a concert, or a sporting event, alongside many others feeling the same. Simply being in the same vicinity and taking in the same stimuli, your emotions can merge upon the same wavelength as those of others (or alternate wavelengths, depending on which team you want to win). Highly sensitive people, many of whom are introverts, usually know this all too well, their energy stores depleted after having been around excited people whom they may have been mirroring in order to fit in. Mirroring of negative emotions can also quickly spiral into a mirroring-blame cycle, where the unhappy emotions of one are reflected in the other and both parties then blame each other for the negative situation created. To forego mirroring the stressful or damaging emotions coming from others, especially from those they love, one must develop a level of self-control and the ability to quickly reflect on the totality of a situation. Through taking a distanced perspective on the encounter at hand, those with a deeper awareness of what is occurring have the potential to alter or amend the mirroring-blame cycle to an exchange with genuine communication and deeper listening, or at least to interrupt it or cut it short by refusing to engage.
Projection is arguably the most complex, though incredibly common, way in which emotions get transferred from one person to another. Through projection, one person makes or tries to extend their own emotional experience. This is achieved by acting in ways that reflect how they actually feel about themselves, for example, through shaming, blaming, criticism or rejection. This is the result of a kind of reverse mirroring, where rather than mimicking the emotions of others, the projector attempts to cause others to feel as they do. We hear this in folk wisdom, such as ‘Misery loves company.’ And because projection requires a degree of proximity, it can be particularly brutal. It is a frequent and effective mode of self-sabotage by causing damage to relationships with those who love and care for you. When someone says something to you that is cruel, vicious or antagonistic, perhaps seemingly out of nowhere, use your understanding of their situation, temperament and level of genuine contentment to assess whether these are things they are actually meaning to say to themselves.
Conversely, while negative emotions are frequently projected with abandon by unhappy humans, positive emotions can also be projected, something that healers, brujas and babaylans have always practiced. Through tuning in, you pay closer attention to which emotions are yours, and which are coming from others, as well as the way in which your emotions take up space through causing others to feel what you are feeling. Doing this work allows you to become a conductor of emotional symphonies. Learn to respect your emotions, not strew them about. When you are aware and able, choose which emotions to centre, which form the melody, and which are harmony. Recognise dissonance. Find ways to introduce distance between yourself and people and situations that burden you with their negativity. Use self-soothing techniques, kind but firm words, relaxed vocal tones, a measured pace of speech with space for deep listening, calm facial expressions, open body language and wanted touch to make positive changes to your emotional relationships with others. These techniques help you remain open to feeling your feelings, while ensuring that others can (if they tune in) feel theirs.
We cannot close a discussion of emotional relationality without addressing that most important relational emotion, the subject of endless studies by poets and artists in every language and society since time immemorial: love. Love is commonly understood as the everyday but deeply complex feeling of warmth, happiness, desire and need that overwhelms us when we behold or imagine our beloved. And yet – love is more than just a feeling. It is relationality in its highest possible human form, underpins our best moments, and as such surpasses the romantic and even emotional realms. Black feminist philosopher bell hooks encourages us to think of love not as a noun, but as a verb, emphasising its active nature. Drawing on a definition offered by psychiatrist M. Scott Peck, she defines love as ‘the will to nurture our own and another’s spiritual growth’ (hooks, 2001: 6). We will return to a fuller discussion of love later, but for now, it will be helpful simply to say that love is what makes transformative, spiritually generative – rather than destructive – social change possible.
Further Reading
hooks, b. (2001) All About Love: New Visions. New York: HarperCollins.
Brown, B. (2015) Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. New York: Avery.